forewarning: this post is long and personal. if you’re not fully committed to me, you may want to sit this one out.
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I like to write positively on this blog. There is so much about motherhood that can be labeled F.M.L. and while that stuff can be hilarious and real, I just never found my knack with complaining positively about motherhood.
I feel like I have done a bit of a disservice with this aspect of my blog, though, because I get emails and people reaching out asking me how do I do it? How do I keep it all together? How I am such an inspiration.
From the bottom of my heart, you don’t know how much I love hearing that, but I need it to be known that I have bad days, too. Really bad days.
I struggled with post partum depression for over a year and am really just now starting to feel okay. I’m still not feeling okay enough to post about it, but I feel like it’s a necessary step in this blog and in my own life. There are parts of my life I keep private here, and I thought depression would be one of those things, but I would never want to come off as pretending I’ve just “got it all together!” when I face the same struggles as every single mother out there.
I didn’t feel the need to write about my hard days as I was working through them because that wasn’t going to help me. It helps me to write about the happy parts of my life so I can reflect on how many things I have to be thankful for, even when sometimes it’s really hard to feel thankful.
Also, I was ashamed to admit that it was hard for me to feel thankful about anything. I thought, who do I think I am feeling sad about anything?? what do I have to be sad about?
But that’s the thing about post partum depression.. often times there’s nothing to be depressed about, and that alone is just… depressing.
For the first 3 years of my marriage, my life was impossibly happy. My life with a toddler and infant was my favorite time ever. I felt so happy! I prided myself on being a good and loving mom, I enjoyed it so much. Night time feedings didn’t bother me, I enjoyed them thoroughly. Toddler tantrums made me anxious, but I could see how much they were teaching me, and teaching Harlo, and teaching us about each other. I felt ready for everything that motherhood had to give me… well almost everything.
Up until Stella was 11 months old, she was the sweetest little mama’s baby you’ve ever met. She loved to nurse and I loved to provide that to her and I felt so bonded and so connected to her through nursing. During our nursing sessions, I used that quiet time to sit down and thank God and just meditate. I would pray about how thankful I was for my life and grateful I was to be able to nurse my sweet baby. I had always wanted to nurse Harlo longer, and I felt lucky to be able to have such a good go with Stella.

I never really considered weaning Stella. I never had an age limit or a plan to quit, I just enjoyed every second of time I had with her… not fully realizing that time would come to an end at some point. And it did. It came quickly an abruptly and I wan’t ready for it at all.

Photo credit: YAN
The first night Stella wouldn’t nurse to be comforted at a late night waking, I thought I was cool with it, but burst into tears (a rare occasion for me) as soon as Brady came in to help. The next day, I’d find myself tearing up every time I realized she was done nursing… and the next few days as well.
A week later, I told Brady, “I just can’t believe I’m this sad… I just feel so sad.” but I couldn’t say anymore without crying. I had a hard time even looking at Stella without crying. Logically, I knew she was just coming up on her first birthday and that it was a totally successful time-span with nursing, but somewhere inside of me I felt crazy. I felt like time had pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where in the world did that year go? I started to dwell.
For months I lived in this foggy sadness but I was too afraid to say anything. I’m still afraid to say anything.
People will think I’m crazy for being so sad over my 1 year old not nursing anymore.
But Stella not nursing was just the tip of the iceberg. For the last few years, I had thrown myself into pregnancy and labor and delivery and planning a natural birth and so on. I was a mom to babies, and the role fit me so well. I couldn’t grasp what my life would be like if I wasn’t a mom to babies. With each milestone, walking, the first birthday… while I was happy to celebrate such big occasions, the sadness just seemed to sink deeper. One day in particular, my head was so foggy with sadness that I finally scared myself enough to ask for help. I told Brady that this sadness wasn’t going away, that it wasn’t just about nursing anymore (6 months later) and that I think I needed more help than I could give myself. I had been eating right, going on walks, doing yoga, meditating, praying.. I had been trying to just pull myself out of this funk. To wake myself up. But for the life of me, I couldn’t force myself awake. I called my doctor and admitted that I thought I might have post partum depression (which they didn’t consider because I didn’t have a newborn, I had a one-year-old) but in my own research, I found that PPD can onset anytime in the first two years after birth. TWO YEARS. That seems like a long time, and an even longer time when you’re in the drudges of depression.
PPD is such a misunderstood sickness, in my opinion. I always thought that women who got post partum were women who couldn’t adjust to motherhood as easily, or who felt too overwhelmed. Women who don’t enjoy being mothers, is sort of what I thought. I adjusted just fine so I assumed I would never have PPD. But in fact, it’s almost the opposite. I liked being a mother so much that it literally hurt. I was so connected with my babies that it pained me to watch them grow into toddlers. I was so happy that I felt sad that it might end. And once that depression grabs hold, nothing can shake it.
Having PPD for me was sort of like living in a colorless world. The sadness made me numb to any other feeling. I knew I enjoyed things, I knew things made me happy, but with depression at my side, I couldn’t feel any of that enjoyment, love, or happiness. It was like eating my favorite meal with no taste. It made me full, but there was no satisfaction. It was so unbelievably frustrating.
I am a mom who likes to live naturally. I feed my kids healthy, mostly organic meals. We take vitamins daily. We cure sicknesses with essential oils.. I’m a self proclaimed hippie. However, I’ve never been against western medicine, I just feel it has it’s place. When none of my natural remedies work, we look outside the box and see what western medicine has to offer us. I treated my depression the same way.
I hated the idea of taking medication every day to make me feel happy, but it became necessary for me. More than wanting to be healthy or natural, more than not wanting to rely on medication for anything, I wanted to be myself again. I wanted to be the great mother I knew I was. That made the decision to medication rather easy.
I wish I could say that when I turned to my last resort that everything was peaches and pumpkins (is that a thing?) but it all honesty, I ended up trading one symptom for the next. My first medication made me feel less depressed, but it drained my patience to pretty much nothing. So, I was feeling happy as long as no one made any noise or movement that I didn’t thoroughly approve of. Not a remedy for someone with two young children. My second medicine made me feel a little more happy, super productive but gave me debilitating anxiety attacks. I tried a few more with similar results. Finally, I came to terms that post partum depression is like any other sickness. You can’t just snap yourself out of it, and in my case, you can’t just take a pill to make it magically go away. Once the sickness runs its course, you’ll be free from it’s pain.
I’m happy to say that toward the end of the summer, just over a year later, I got hints of myself back. I had not been taking any medication and decided to embrace the fact that I was depressed. I decided not to be ashamed anymore. I had given birth twice in the last few years and this was just something I was going to have to go through.
It seems like when I finally had accepted it, it started loosening it’s grip. C’est la vie, I suppose.
Now, on the other side of depression, I can see how I have benefited. My perspective on life changed and is now more centered. My faith grew more in that year than it could have in a lifetime, I’m pretty sure. And I feel pretty much exactly how I felt about going overdue with my second baby; it was miserable while it lasted, but it was for the best in the end. I learned so much and I’m glad to have experienced such raw motherhood.
I’m glad I could share this part of my story with you. It took a lot of courage, but I feel peace in my heart. I hope that if anyone is struggling with PPD reading this that you may feel hopeful of life on the other side, and that you might be braver than me and open up about it. I pray for each one of you struggling in your life.
xoxo, C
tiffani
you’re a beautiful person. inside and out. i cannot relate to the feelings you’ve shared here, because i have not yet built up my family with children. i can’t imagine how it feels. but i think you’re strong and good and the best mama for those beautiful little girls. happiness is yours. i do know, that sometimes, it just feels good to cry. don’t be too hard on you.
Cass Miller
Thank you for your sweet words, Tiffani! xoxo
Alesha
Cass, I was literally pulled into this blog post and I can say that in a different way I can relate. Combining families recently was a stressful part of my life, and the overwhelm of balancing so many activities, personalities, new obstacles and a business brought me to my knees for a few months. I had to take some time off and not work and reprioritize everything. It actually inspired me to make major changes in the direction of my life, family balance and work – because if I didn’t I would pull all of my own hairs out.
These days I’m feeling better but I’m so familiar with the shame that comes with depression – that sense of feeling so spoiled because I am so blessed and still felt such emptiness and despair. I think it’s important for all of us to speak out and share our experiences. Life can be exhilarating, exciting, boring, depressing – so many things. Sadness needs to be acceptable as we are humans and have a range of emotions.
Thank you for sharing that part of your life, I am grateful for your honesty. And I do think your home life looks like a dream come true – part of the beauty of it is that you are entitled to feel sadness and can still be living the dream. Lovely family life for a lovely mama! And if you spend the day crying, all I ask is that you do it with a really comforting cup of tea and a snuggie 😉
xo,
Alesha
Cass Miller
Alesha,
Thank you for your words! You spoke right to my heart. I completely agree. there is something so beautiful about the human experience, the pain of it included.
Someone once said that everyone needs a suffering every few years to force something new. I loved this and clung to it deeply while I was in the depths of my depression. Hopefully this last year was both of our suffering for a couple years. 😉
thank you for sharing that with me,
xoxo
Marissa
I fight an anxiety disorder and a lot of the times I felt the same way you described!
being on medicine was the best decision I ever made! I can live my life again 🙂
even though i’m only 19 (17 when diagnosed)
it feels good that I have many more years to be excited about!
never be ashamed or embarrassed 🙂 your very inspiring and a wonderful mother.
xo
rissa
Cass Miller
Thank you Rissa,
It’s so nice to hear that people can relate. It feels so lonely when you’re in that place, why are we scared to open up about it? I definitely feel a lot less lonely after posting this and thanks so much for your sweet words.
xoxo, C
haley
What an honest breath of fresh air! This is written beautifully, Cass. I’m so proud of you and the choices you make in your life. Your thoughtfulness and insight are such a blessing to other Mama’s.
Cass Miller
Where would I be without you, Hales? xoxo
lainee
Love this post Cas! I think the world right now puts so much pressure on moms to be “perfect” but everyone needs to understand how common it is especially during motherhood- that life gets depressing at times and not every thing is peachy all the time! Thats in-human honestly. I dealt with PPD- and shout out to husbands that just wait patiently for us woman to get it back together. Its so HARD! But you really are an amazing person, and I love your blog and how honest you!!!! Love ya
Cass Miller
Thanks, Lainee. That means a lot. And definitely shout out to the husbands! I wanted to touch on that in this post.. but that deserves a post all to itself. Glad we both got good ones. 🙂 xoxo
Karli
I am not sure how I missed this post. I am one of those very people who reached to you when I was at my darkest hour. I truly adore and thank you for replying that day. I was on the edge of a very high cliff (metaphorically speaking) our conversation brought me back. I love you and i absolutely love you posting a photo of you nursing. I have so many of me with Tru that I am frightened to share for backlash. You know i struggled with Krae and also turned to you then (sense a pattern <3 ) here I am with Tru 14 months old and still going strong with nursing. You may have bad days as us all but I hope you know I think that visa plan was for me to have you in our life. You've captured some of our most important and treasured moments bad I treasure YOU and thank god for you daily. Your heart led me back to his arms.
Love you. Truly.
Karli
Gods… not visa… goodness
Cass Miller
Karli, You are single handedly the woman who gave me the courage to write this post. I would have never dared without you! Thank you so much for giving me that push and for all your kind word and encouragement to me. I am so happy you’ve been able to nurse Tru so long! That is so amazing. What a special time. I’m so happy to keep up on your journey through faith and pray for you every day! Love you! xoxo
Karli
As I adore you, darling <3 have a blessed day!
Juanita
How did I miss this?!
As usual your truth is like a breath of fresh air – peaceful in the way your express your feelings. The way you are so relate-able.
Its so sad that by the time we realize what is going on – its stifling the life out of us. And what triggers it varies in us all, mine hit me like a ton of bricks but I missed the warning signs before it. I know that there was a huge emotional change when I couldn’t nurse Dez – and it was only a few weeks. I thought I could deal with the disappointment I felt with it, but I didn’t. Then experiences, drama and stresses built up – and you did see some of that ;/
Through it, I’ve learned who true friends are and certainly more about myself. I know that there is help out there and that while I’m a different person going through it, I’m better coming out of it. I too am on meds to balance me out – but I know I’ll get back to me and not need them. While it is a double edged sword of side-effects, I’m grateful that there is relief out there. In so many forms 🙂 Like sweet woman who are honest and real. 🙂
Cass Miller
You’re so sweet,Juan! I hate the thought of you (and anyone) going through this. It’s weird the side-effects that come along with motherhood, isn’t it? 🙂
I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I can’t think of any person more deserving of a happy, stress-free life! I’m so glad you’re in my life.
xoxo
Natalia
You don’t know me, I am just a reader who relates to you very much. I found your blog interesting to read and I have been a fan for a few months now. When I read this most, I cried. I cried because I finally had an idea of what it is I may be going through. I just want to say thank you for writing this post.
Cass Miller
Oh Natalia, you sweet thing. Thank you for your kind words. I’m hope that I could help in some way from this post. Just please know you’re not the only one who feels that way. I know it can be so lonely when you’re feeling like that. I’ll be praying for you. All my love, Cass